


Safe again with you

by shimshake



Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: Angst, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-16
Updated: 2013-04-16
Packaged: 2017-12-08 15:57:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,811
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/763233
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shimshake/pseuds/shimshake
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A contemplation of the escape from Boiling Rock and how events could have elapsed differently.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Safe again with you

Everything is grey.

An overcast sky. Dark colored rock. And farther below, over the edge of the cold earth she stands on, a sea crashing onto the rocks before churning in on itself. The water is violent--angry some would say--but Mai knows better than to assign human emotion to such things. Mai has tried to fashion herself in a similar way, hitting with violence while acting only in indifference. Her disinterest, her boredom has been so carefully constructed. At first, she heaved it on with such effort, but years of constant silence and obedience has melded it to her skin. It is no longer something she chooses, but something that is.

Everything is grey. Even here in the Fire Nation with its deep and vibrant reds; even here, everything is muted. This black cliff, the dark sky, a boiling sea. She looks at the small portrait in her hand as a cool wind picks up under her heavy robes. She can't remember the islands becoming so cold.

 

-

 

When Azula had called on her, she felt a fluttering of excitement in her rib cage. A way out, finally, _a way out_. But Mai wasn't stupid. Azula's friendship was an old bridge suspended over daggers. Perhaps having known Azula since childhood gave her some protection, but her best defense was the skill she honed, out of boredom, to be sure, alone in her room throwing knives at the wall and ceiling. She was useful, just as Ty Lee was, full of a certain expertise that Azula lacked. Call her proud or arrogant, but Azula recognized a valuable ally when she met one.

It didn't take long before the lightness of escape evaporated and the reality of her precarious situation became a more pressing issue. Mai was prepared to fight Azula if or when her proximity to the princess became more of a liability than an advantage. And in this way, she was not afraid of Azula. She may not have been able to defeat Azula's blue fire, but Mai knew that she was skilled and intelligent enough to at least get away, if not completely unscathed. But there were extensions of herself, vulnerable extremities, that lay outside of what she could conceal behind bored expression; more than she could protect with a sharp edge and deadly aim.

Her oblivious, self-important father; her strict and suffocating mother; and her little brother, spoiled ( _favored_ , she'd use to think with some jealousy), but ultimately too young and too innocent to know any better. A good name, wealth, political influence—Mai wondered how useful these things would be against royalty, against Azula. What were their chances, really, against an enemy who inhibited vengeance but could not understand mercy, who saw family as mere unfortunate circumstance?

And then, of course, there was Zuko.

 

-  

 

She doesn't hesitate to let the portrait fall from her hands. Mai has no use for sentimentality, and she has no hospitality for ghosts. She watches as it falls and wonders if it will hit the rocks first, or if the tide will rise before, dragging the fine wood frame with its painted impressions into its immense belly.

She remembers when she had returned to her room and read the letter he had left behind for her, the feelings that had sliced straight through to her core. He told her that he had to leave and how he couldn't stand by and allow his father and Azula to lead the Fire Nation into further destruction.

_Azula lied. The Avatar is still alive. I need to find him, but this time, I'm going to help him._

A traitor to his family. A traitor to his country.

_This is something I have to do on my own, and it would be too much of me to ask if you would come with me. But I've got to do this. I have to go._

A traitor, leaving her behind.

_I'm sorry, Mai._

She had bumped into several servants on her way to his room, disregarding the apologies they offered in response to her lack of courtesy. She had banged loudly on his door, impatiently calling out his name before she took the liberty of entering his quarters uninvited. The curtains were drawn open, his bed was made. Everything seemed to be in order. She had checked the courtyard, the library, the empty war room. She asked anyone she encountered if they'd seen him.

She remembers returning to her room with a rage burning in her chest and a tight knot forming in her throat. She had seen the portrait and ripped it off the wall, sending it sliding over the polished floor. 

Mai hopes that the sea will be patient in its hunger. She wants to see the wood smash apart.

 

-

 

Zuko was not alone when he burned. Her uncle was there too. There was that Water Tribe boy and his father. The girl from Kyoshi Island.

Is it shameful to admit that she only wanted to have saved one?

Is it shameful to admit that love and family are not equal?

 

-

 

Mai is pleased that the portrait violently splits into two, both halves flinging in opposite directions into the surrounding water.

But she is annoyed that the wood floats.

 

-

 

In the sea of her indifference, Mai feels an anger she cannot quell.

"Don't tell me he _meant_ something to you?" Azula is smirking, but she seems genuinely surprised. "There are plenty of other men, Mai. Strong men loyal to the Fire Nation. You and I don't have use for traitors and cowards. We're ridding ourselves of the weakest ones. Even the royal family was not perfect, obviously."

At the mention of family, Azula remembers and adds, "Oh, and sorry about your uncle. But he understood." Her tone is matter-of-fact. She is disinterestedly examining her nails as she speaks. 

Mai clenches her fists. She is very aware of the stilettos wrapped around her forearms hidden by her sleeves, of the blades that line her robes. 

Later, after Azula has left, Ty Lee goes to Mai's side and hugs her. Mai does not hug back, only squeezes her eyes shut and fights the downward tug on the sides of her mouth.

 _Zuko, you idiot!_ she thinks furiously. _You idiot you coward you traitor! What use are you now to the Avatar? What use are you now to anyone?_

"I'm so, so sorry, Mai..." Ty Lee whispers.

_You were so sure. 'I have to do this. I have to go.'_

Mai takes a deep breath and opens her eyes, staring unseeingly at the wall across from her.

_'It would be too much of me to ask if you would come with me.'_

"I'm leaving, Ty Lee." Mai is glad that her voice stays steady when she speaks.

_But Zuko, you idiot—_

Ty Lee pulls away and Mai meets the other girl's eyes. It is rare for anyone to see Ty Lee look so sad. She gives Mai one more firm hug before letting go and walking to the door.

_Look at where you've left me._

"I'm going with you," says Ty Lee.

Mai turns around, but Ty Lee is already gone.

 

-

 

There is a little thrill that Mai feels that is equal parts fear and excitement when she looks down at the rocks. She is on the very edge while the wind pushes against her. Even when she looks up at the grey sky, she gets dizzy and sometimes feels like she might fall.

The thought of killing herself for love in some grand, heartbroken gesture makes her cringe. She will not be relegated to a tragic lover in some foolish, romantic fairy tale. Perhaps she was in love, but she is not a 'half' who has lost the person who made her 'whole.' She refuses to be defined by her relation to other people.

She is not helpless. She can carry her hurts just fine.

Still, she imagines herself falling and smashing against the rocks. Unlike the wood, she knows that she won't explode apart. Her bones will break, of course, but she'll be whole when the sea devours her. She can't decide if she'd rather watch the rock as it speeds closer or watch the sky as it falls farther away. Maybe she'll just close her eyes and be done with it all before she hits.

At the edge, she feels comforted. She is here on her own terms.

 

-

 

Mai wouldn't have minded fighting Azula. Truth be told, she would have enjoyed seeing her rage at Mai and Ty Lee's betrayal.

But such a conflict would have been unnecessary and foolish. And right now, Mai just needs to get away before her own anger spills over and jeopardizes her own survival. Mai knows that she will have other chances.

The Avatar, the waterbender, the Bei Fong girl - they'll be after Azula too. Enemy of thine enemy. Zuko was with them, but without him, she suspects that she will find them all insufferable.

Later, she chastises herself for forgetting the most important one - Iroh.

 

-

 

She hears the churning sea, feels the cold sea spray pricking at her skin like needles. She wants to flinch away. Waves crash, needles fly, the water bubbles up.

The water stings, the water boils.

Like a million foaming hands, the sea soaks and tugs at the edges of her robes trying to pull her away—out—under—muffling sound, drowning the senses. 

She wants to flinch away but she can't get herself to move. She opens her eyes and sees the sky. There are only clouds.

Everything is grey.

 

-

 

Azula did not cut the lines. She did not give the order.

For once, Azula was content to do nothing.

For that, Mai will never forgive her.

 

-

 

She hurts all over.

 

-

 

Burned with water, not fire. Burned in a boiling sea.

 

-

 

When it gets to be too much, she goes home.

She feels lighter after every step. 

 

.

 

 

.

 

 

.

 

 

.

 

Mai opens her eyes and stares out the open window at the overcast morning sky, the sound of waves on the beach carrying into the bedroom. The bedding she lies on is a deep red.

She hasn't moved from her place since she woke up. Her head rises and falls slightly with every breath Zuko takes while he sleeps. The air is slightly chilly, and Mai is grateful for his warmth. She counts each of his heartbeats.

She thinks back to the last words Azula spoke to her, the disbelief, the violent promises. Mai was ready. She didn't hesitate.

_I love Zuko more than I fear you._

Mai kisses the skin on Zuko's chest, his shoulder, his neck just below the jaw.

The waves crash, dragging fingers through the black sand as they fall back. Perhaps, some would say, it is a lover’s touch, the sea's affectionate caress.

Mai knows better than to say such things.

**Author's Note:**

> Very much inspired by Bjork’s “Hyper-Ballad.”


End file.
